End of something sweet

What does 27/07/2017 mean to you? Date with a fancy numbers? Or any day like the usual ones. For me this day, you threw the guillotine at whatever we had for the past few months.

I know all the beautiful things end fast and the sweet memories just fade away. I wanted it to last as long as it could. Probably I am very immature and unpractical. But it’s good to be stupid than mediocre.

The weekend you stopped talking to me I knew something was going wrong. The moment you told me not to join you for lunch and took the higher moral stand I knew everything was over. Romanticizing the past is good to the point you take refuge in the myths that never were. I remember the people you told me about, the ones you shut out completely from life. I wondered if it was my turn to be next.

You gave me a chance to be ‘normal’/’good’ friends. I never knew the meaning of it. I have had enough of the ‘good’ friends and I didn’t want another one. I would rather fade away with the sweet moments you gifted me rather than pretend nothing happened. I would treasure the first phone call, the car rides, holding hands, rides in elevators, the chocolates. Today those memories are mine and mine alone.

Everyday when you give that look that pierces in through me, it hurts me like nothing else. Soon I will go away and will fade off from your memories. Years later we will meet in a mall or restaurant. I wonder if you will recognize me.

Love and Love alone

He remembered a question some had asked him once', 'Have you ever REALLY loved someone ...ever?'

The question had brought a smirk on his lips back then. But not any longer. For him, back then, love wasn't far from the loins and he didn't cry when they left him.

Still love has been a undefined emotion for him. He was trying to name some deep enchanting emotion he had been feeling for the past few weeks. The college days were over a decade ago. Mid life crises was looming in the horizon. Any 'normal' people would term him crazy, when they giggled incessantly, stole secret glances, smiled broadly, feigned anger or jumped into empty elevator together.

When did he realize he was in love?  He had heard of someone moving into his office from Bangalore. He had hoped for someone stylish and single. What caught his eye was someone tall with broad shoulders glistening in sweat and salwar with back cut low. He had always been a fan of the blouses with open back. He sat there dreaming of the sweat when she turned up to show her buttoned nose and smile that lit up the entire universe. He didn't get much chance to break in and she was married and pregnant. She did catch him more than once staring shamelessly and must have thought what a jerk was he to stare at a pregnant woman.

Soon she moved into another floor. Goodbyes were exchanged. The meeting would, from now on be, random and serendipitous bumping on in crowded canteen. Life went on until he got a call from an unlisted number. He hated picking unknown numbers to say it was the wrong number. He thought for a few seconds and made the decision that changed his outlook for love, forever.

Although it was for a lost wallet, they became thick friends from that evening. Tea was planned, dark secrets and smiles were exchanged. He started wearing his best to office when she said one day that she liked his shirt. She came onto the secluded washroom area, when he said how much he missed her.

But when did he realize he was in love. For him love attained  a strange meaning when he felt himself burning with jealousy. She once told him about a guy who made her so special and the unforgettable night she spent with him. It took a few moments for him to  feel himself burning with passion. He couldn't stand the fact that he was not the unforgettable person in her life. Will he be able to give her a atleast a minute she wouldn't forget. As the passion left him after a sleepless night and tears, just like the fire after consuming a dry forest, he realized he had to be her special man. Someone she would never forget. Someone she would tell her kids, when she grew old.

Are you the one?

J,

I wish I could talk to you. I wish we could sit up late in the nights and go on and on. I wish I could bare myself to you.

The last year, I met a lot of people. They never rose above their own seat of self affirmation. As I said today, no one dared question themselves. The pattern is set for them and they run in it.

Well, the only trouble with you is you donot want to run in the maze, you want to break it open and come out. The rest of the society is not going to like it. Because you have questioned the system as a whole. When you said, you enrolled for the institute, I thought may be you’re just the ordinary girl after all.

But each day, you reveal a different dimension to me. You make me question myself.

Everyday I wish, I have someone in life to whom I could say , ‘You complete me’

Are you the one?

Happy that the last post of 2011 ended in love. Happy new year everyone.

Lend me thy ear

Many a times we are not bothered about how much others will have to put up with you to keep you happy.

There are people who cannot stop themselves from talking. They go on and on about something which is of least interest to the listener.

A week back one of the unforgettable character from my history books walked back into my life. He studied with me in my school. Surprisingly years hadn't changed him a bit. He is a pretty nice guy and means no harm. But he has got no clue when he has to stop the chatter. He goes on and on about his college, work, students, old mates and things he has repeated million times before.

And he never speaks standing in front of you. He stands at the side and begins his non-stop express into one of the listener's ear. Due to his peculiar sound the listener literally developes a head ache which he will have to counter by turning around voluntarily so that the other ear will take the strain as well.

He is a pretty harmless, straight-forward guy. So on sighting him there develops a feel good phenomenon which later turns into 'Shit!! This guy hasn't changed a bit.'

It feels good to sit in the judge's seat and do the judgment. But there is someone special who has to endure some 30 minutes of my chatter almost every day. I don't know if she will read this post ever. If she does I would say I am not sorry and am going to bother you until you throw me out or go and sit with someone else. Something I would definitely say is

THANK YOU for bearing with my boring chatter.

Love- A different perspective

‘Blessed be the one who gets his wages on Friday, for he gets a weekend to burn his money.’

This weekend I found out that I was running low on my movie stock. So I went to the usual piracy centre.
After picking out the usual quota of classics, I moved to the Tamil section and found a DVD with cover picture of a hot lady finding it difficult to hide her assets (read cleavage). As usual good senses failed to prevail. I picked out the DVD.
When rest of the world went to bed I remained awake to satisfy my carnal pleasures.
The movie satisfied my desires and gave me a few good lessons on sexuality.

I couldn’t make out what was written in DVD cover, so could make out the title only when I started viewing the movie. It was the much controversial ‘Velu Prabhakarin Kadhal Kathai’ (which literally means Velu Prabhakar’s love story. Velu P is the name of the director). This movie got into the news for Censor Board’s reluctance to let it go through. The news had floated around that it had complete exhibition of nudism. Velu had to edit the movie to get the nod. Hmmm! How sad.

But guys before entering into the details let me tell you it’s a movie with some content and controversies are no public gimmicks.

The movie opens with a dedication to motherhood. A baby is shown being formed from the embryo and its delivery. Right from the scene where a baby is breast fed so openly, you will realize it’s a no holds barred movie.

First things first. Technically this is a real crap. Amateur acting, cinematography resembling a soft porn and poor dialogue presentation are the trademarks.

If you ask me to tell the reason for the singular reason for failure, I would say director didn’t have much clue on why he made the movie. Initially you think it’s his way to educate the common masses on sex. Then it seems the director wants to portray his difficulty in making this movie. Then it is about evils of caste, inability to accept lust and love. Then in the end you feel it’s a semi autobiography.

He could have made a sensous classic like Kamasutra or a ‘Rathinirvedam’(Malayalam). At times he goes on rambling about his difficulties in making the film, the next moment about casteism, the next moment about lust inspired love.

Through out the movie director appears on the screen delivering his sermons. Films are meant to give a message whether good or bad through characterization. Director couldn’t help but show his utter lack of creativity.

The film opens with a crowd chasing a young guy and beating the hell out of him for peeping in when a woman is changing her dress. Director makes his grand entry and lectures the crowd of this neo morality.

Relevant parts of the sermon:

‘You accuse him of perversions. But in act he is one among us. We all have our own perversions. But this guy gave into a moment of weakness.
Why does people like him have to succumb to these circumstances. Because he has a sexual need suppressed in him. We do not find women doing these sort of things because right from their childhood they see the body of men in various forms of undress.
Allow boys to grow up in a similar way so they find that women’s body is also natural’

You may find this a bit amusing, but I found it true to an extent. If you put in front of me the same woman in two forms- one perfectly naked and other barely covered up I will pick the second one. It is because we go after something that is prohibhited to us. In the same way Eve went out for the fruit prohibited to her.

There is another good one when he is accused in the court by the opposite lawyer for making a film depicting Indian women as sexual objects while culturally they are considered as goddesses. To this Velu remarks ‘Please don’t say that we consider women as goddesses. Even before ascending to the post of President of India the woman has to touch her husband’s feet. We can at least consider women as humans’

Coming back to the movie, people standing on higher moral grounds can call it a soft porn. I am a bit immoral. So I am not going to judge. But there are many instances when director fell below the standards. As mentioned director was not sure about what to do.
He tried to touch upon everything and in the end ended up doing a bit too amateur work.

There are three heroines in the movie based on whom the entire plot turns. The story happens in a small village torn apart by caste differences.
As you suspected hero hails from the upper strata and the lady no.1 from the lower one. They fall in love with each other. The guy acts without much pretensions and hence does a decent job. The girl is also good enough in the acting department.
The only good portion in the film is the relation between the two. She tries to hide his love for him which burst out at last, resulting in a hot dance number. In fact it is one of the rarest occasions where the heroine appears totally nude in a song. The song is sensuous. The censor board tried to label the movie as ‘XX’, but since the director raised the trump card about sexual freedom the board settled for an ‘A’.
The boy and girl decide that it is not possible to get married in these difficult situations and decides to take the easy way out- suicide (after some intimate sex). The director appears again under mysterious circumstances and lectures to them on love and courage. The couple agrees to fight it out.
Sadly the narrow minded villians who finds about the relation beheads the girl. The guy out of blind rage beats his father to death. Typical to modern Tamil Cinema this scene is shown in all gory violence. May be, director wanted to say that when love is denied to someone he turns a maniac.

As for the second heroine there is no connection with the caste. She is just a hot hot village maiden who goes to work in a teacher’s house. The teacher is single and ready to get hitched. The poor guy couldn’t keep his eyes off the ample bossoms when the pallu drops off, and so couldn’t I.
Mind you the lady is a real good character who was cheated by the man she loved. She was labeled as a prostitute by the village. But she worked hard to feed her girl through honest means.
A peculiar mixture of love and lust is shown. The guy is concerned about her well being too. She asks her to marry him and the guy is shown as pretty serious about it.
I haven’t seen many Indian directors portray lust as a positive quality. So may be this feature of director trying to draw the similarity between the two and his philosophy of lust coming out of love and vice versa is pretty interesting.
But sadly the guy expresses his inability to marry her after having plenty of sex sessions preceded by a rape. The woman spits on him which he accepts meekly. Regarding the rape scene, I haven’t seen such a kind in a long time. It used to be the regular feature in Malayalam films of 80’s.
If the director had treated the story with little more creativity and sensibility the treatment would have been different and hence a new dimension could have been shown.

The director completely loses the plot when he comes to the third lady. She is a beautiful one married to a poor lower caste. She wants a good life and develops an illegal relation with a high caste elder who is the father of the boy mentioned above. He enjoys his sessions with her in spite of his tough stands on caste in public. And as usual the husband finds out about this at last.
The only positive out of this is the hypocrisy shown by the society elders when it comes to their sexual pleasure and the ample bosoms of the luxury searching heroine.

There are innumerable movies which can be dubbed as opportunities lost. The film maker gives into the commercial success sacrificing the art and message.
There was a school of thought in psychology that said sex is the emotion that motivated men to live.
The film caters to the average tamil staple of violence and cleavages.

So to sum up I would say it is a bit above a porn movie. In the end it would give you some sexual fulfillment and some message to carry to bed.

To live and to Love

Love is a strange word. I have seen a couple of blogs about true love. Is true love the wonderful phenomenon when a boy falls attracted to a girl and they live happily ever after. I don’t know. I have been approached by a couple of guys for advice about their love life. The question was if they should continue in their relation. I don’t know why these guys come to me. It must be because I wear specs and has bulging eyes which gives me the looks of a wise guy which I am not. I have been a total loser with girls. The only girl who reciprocated my feelings walked away after cheating me off some of my money.

The first time I felt tender feelings towards a girl was during my school days. She was the most beautiful one in our school. Never have I felt such a passion.
Like all the popular ones, she was darling of well to do and good looking guys. So I never had the remotest chance. It has been years since I have seen her. I have got no idea where she has ended up. May be she has married an NRI . Who knows…

After the first love it was a period of lust. I fell in love with the bodies of the beautiful ones. The passion became more strong and hot and animal like. The feelings lost its tenderness.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a girl because of her full figure. But care must be taken to put full stops at points where it has to be put. We have been taught that wanting a woman is sin. Most of our moral stand on sex is based on what missionaries taught us in the times of Victoria. There is in fact a sex position called missionary position which is regarded as the only permissible one by orthodox people, even today.

I am not able to say what pure and true love is. But I am damn sure that for me looks of a girl matters, call it lust or whatever. But I hate taking relations for granted. Even in the short time you have got for the relations live it to the fullest. Give the other person some moments to savor.

Some people are comfortable to carry on with short term relations whose ultimate motive is for sexual fulfillment. But many among them will go on living with the scars. In some cases you even won’t know why you hurt so deep inside. So to all ‘Gen-Y’s, be careful in where you get into. Whatever you do get into it with 100% conviction, Never give yourself a chance to regret something you have done (not even centuries later).

So I am very much reluctant to take a step. Romance and love is meant for only the ones who are brave at heart. I am frightened of getting rebuffed.

Karan Johar is someone who took time to mature as a film maker. Nowadays he is coming with a variety of themes that digs deep into relations (with some Hindi masala toppings). I hated his KANK. May be Karan has some stupid explanation for the movie. But it is not the way you handle extra-marital affairs.

His ‘Wake up Sid’ was a movie with some difference. The pace is damn slow, especially in the first half.
All the movies released this year was far from watchable. Only respite you get is seeing the beautiful ones in the theatre.
The college crowd filled up the seats when I went for ‘Wake up’. There is no much drama, glamour, car chase, foreign locations or item numbers. But the crowd thoroughly enjoyed the movie. It came as a surprise for me. Because I was under the impression that crowd accepts nothing less than the formulae films. And the movie was anything but that.

I am not one among those who loved the movie. But a few aspects I liked about the movie. Ayisha falls in love with Mumbai. She sees it as a land of opportunity, of independence and growth. She meets Sid who shows her around the city.
Sid is a careless and carefree person who was born into a well off family. He falls in love with Ayisha. Ayisha considers him too childish and immature.

So under her influence he starts to change although it is not so obviously shown. He makes the changes from a basic level from where he grows into a strong individual. Even there is a subtle change in her. She started to understand herself more.
Since the pace is slow all the subtle changes are shown beautifully.

In the end he comes to know that she loves him when he reads her story. The story narration in the end gives the movie a fitting finale. Her love for the city slowly metamorphosis into a beautiful relation.

The individuals we consider as our good fit may not turn out to be so. Our better half may be waiting somewhere for us. May be we will have to wait a little more. May be will have to look out more.

Another aspect beautifully shown is Sid and Ayesha falling in love without realizing that the other loves him/her as much. We never know how much someone loves us. It may be through those little fights. The best way to know each other is bits of differences in opinion. Only differences can help us to understand the other and ourselves more.

Love must be a relation which helps us to grow as a person. If quarrels and fights helps the two to grow, then it is perfect relationship. Not everything is perfect in a ‘perfect’ relation (the ones without any quarrels).

I have known Reshma only for a few months. She is not hot or amorous, but is a dusky beauty. I don’t know if I had fallen in love. But she had all the qualities of Miss. Perfect I had visualised. Although I shared my opinion on everything I never shared my feelings with her. But when during a casual conversation she mentioned that she prefers some one from her own caste as her better half, it broke my heart. It didn’t drive me into depression but set me thinking. If I had told her about my feelings, may be the end results would have been different. But another aspect is by nature I am reluctant to make commitments. So don’t know if at the end things would turn out to our good. She is still a good friend and may remain until she gets married. And as a consolation I would say, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved.

True love

I write this post with a heavy heart. I don’t know why I feel sad. I am like that sometimes. But I try to put a happy face in front of my friends and family. But how long will the mask stand?
The most of the agonies that I went through in life is related to some woman- direct or indirect. This heaviness in my heart is also because of a woman. She didn’t do me any harm. In fact, she cannot harm anyone.

Other than my Mom, there are two women who have influenced my life the most. The first one was from my college days. She had such a great character and personality. I am her biggest fan to this day. I believe she has got steel balls. (Haven’t got a chance to check it out yet)
Two weeks back Sandra came into my life uninvited. I haven’t seen Sandra to this day. I have only spoken to her once and that too for a few minutes. I believe she must be beautiful because she knows nothing but love. Even when she is cheated, she waits expectantly for the love to come back some day.

She taught me what love is. I have spent most of my life in cities. May that’s why I link romanticism with economics. I always believed that people who fall in love and marry also weigh the financial strength of the opposite sex. I believe the rich man- poor girl or the rich girl –poor man love stories are things of the past. Even they don’t show it movies nowadays. I had to sadly agree to the fact that everything was up for sale and even relationships are not spared.

Sandra was from a lower middle class family and she got into a great IT company far away from her home. She had an attractive personality and so had great gang of friends around. Arjun was one of the gang members. He was good looking and jovial and favorite of all girls. The marital status of Arjun was ‘single and ready to mingle’.

May be it was because of the work pressure. May be it was peer pressure. They grew fond of each other. Arjun gave the poor girl lots of hope. The parents from both the sides were notified and all the planning was completed. Sandra’s hearts bloomed with hope of a happy family and future.

Fate can sometimes be cruel with those pure in heart. She was transferred to a place far away from home. She consoled herself with the fact that it is just a temporary transfer. Besides love strengthens when the lovers are separated. Arjun called her the first day and there was no hint of unusualness.

But she was in for a shock. She got a call from him the next day.
‘I don’t think I will be able to fulfill the promises I made you. I realized that I don’t love you. It was just an infatuation. I was too lonely and away from home and there was no one to advise me. There is no love in me for you.’

The mutual friends tried to intervene for a easier break up. But Arjun was too adamant.
The heart broken Sandra had no one to console. She was on the verge of suicide. Old friends tried to console her through the phone.

She wrote Arjun a letter.
‘I won’t be there in your life as an obstacle for your happiness. Live your life happily and in the way you want to.
I am writing this letter to tell you everything that was left to say.
I was ready to change my caste. I was ready to leave my family for you. But still you are unwilling to accept me. Didn’t our friends warn you against the consequences? Why do you say that there was no one to advise you?

Thanks for the love you gave me for a month. You say it was an infatuation. For me it was love. What I gave you back was love. You will realize it someday.
If you had a bit of love for me you would have told this when I was there with you. I have no one here to cry with me. Did I hurt you that much to deserve this?

I am not sure even if you will read this. But I just wanted to say the one month you were there with me was the happiest period of my life. Thank you again for all the happy moments’

Sandra, I don’t think you will read this but I pray that you will find the love you lost in someone who will be there for you to the end.
Readers, all the characters are real. So if you happen to read this take a moment to wish Sandra good luck.

When I finished this I am feeling some burden lifted from my heart. I was feeling the struggle inside me for past few days while I was converting my thoughts to words.

Good thoughts

For the past couple of days my heart is full of despair. It must be because I am just back from a reunion with my dear old friends. I have been pretty frustrated with work I have been doing. I put the blame on everyone around and like a fish that is cast in to the dry land I desperately look for a way out.
I have hit a mental block and so can’t find anything to write about too. That is when I hear this story.
There lived a poojari of a temple. He was a very much pious man who conducted all the rites of the temple with great piety and dedication. He was respected by everyone in the locality. It was difficult to find any flaw in his character.
But the poojari faced this extra ordinary situation where in front of the temple, there was a prostitute centre. For him there was nothing worse than entering into the temple every morning passing through the place where these heinous creatures lived. Each morning he woke up cursing his fate and this prostitute home.
On the other hand the prostitutes would wake up every morning praying ‘Oh God, we are selling our bodies because we do not have any other means. Please forgive us for what we are about to do and allow us to earn our daily bread’
On the judgment day our dear old poojari was thrown into the burning hell and the prostitutes entered heaven.
Reason: The poojari who is supposed to fill his thoughts with the divine, filled his mind with the prostitutes before entering the temple. But on the other hand the prostitutes started their daily lives with a prayer of forgiveness.
Everyone….what matters is what you fill your heart with. When we go through a bad patch do we bother to sit back and try to recollect the good times we’ve been through. Ultimately what matters is what you fill your mind with. The thoughts in your heart determines the person you are.

Cheers!!!!!!!!!