The reality show of life

February 2013- It’s been six years since I started earning a livelihood. I wear smart clothes, go to office on time , try to get connected to the right people, speaks the right thing- more or less this has been the exercise to earn a living. Over these 6 years I have become all I never wanted to be. I am thankful that I have learnt some invaluable lessons too. Call it the evolution of life.

By the time I was in college all I wanted to do was to earn a huge packet, wear a tie, flirt with the cutest chic and party at the night. That was the time of economic boom. There was a lot of IT companies hunting for talent. There was lot of attractive package. Smart guys went around the campus showing power point slides on why you ought to choose their company. There was one guy who evevn showed us a video of some pub and said ‘We work hard, party harder’. 

After 3 years I decide to move out of the shit hole where people supposedly party harder.  The decision came in when I learnt the guy sitting next to me was offered double my hike. Reason- he was ‘critical’ to the company. I was like- Give me a chance to be ‘critical’. ‘No you must earn it’. ‘What!!’

So I quit the place and joined even more worse one. But I guess this is what life is all about. Once upon a time I looked down on salesmen with a certain pity. But today I go from shop to shop trying to sell obsolete stuff. I hear the shit from uneducated snobs and lovingly call them ‘Dear Sir’. I open facebook and look upon with envy on my classmates posing with white snowball, happiness oozing from their reddish face.  Then there are guys who mercilessly update their location from whichever part of world they are in.

May be in coming months I am getting married. But I just don’t want to spend major part of a day doing things I don’t like. Life looks miserable

Meaningless degrees

So I am back guys, may be no one really missed me. If anyone ever did, it would be the guys who put fake ads in my space. So I sit here in the morning, thinking of a better way to utilize time. I did miss my gym, thanks to laziness.

The last time I had gone to see off my friend. It seems like yesterday that he had got admission for medicine. How cruel time is. It shows no mercy to the one who wants it to stay on. The years of youth just rolled by, we both graduated and understood the realities of life is so very bad.

For me it was the fight to come into terms with the fact that world is nothing but a huge market where straight men have no place. I got sick of full sleeves and ties, then I got sick of selling obsolete machines. Falsehood given an icing of ethics is the right dose for organizational success.

Forhim it might be the realization that medicine is meant for reaping money and reaping money is no longer a matter of choice. So he had to hunt for college to make his masters. With a lots of uncertainity in front of him, he decides to fly away to USA to get his masters.

The world has no place for the talented as long as you’re not good enough to market it. Tharun was an amazingly talented doctor. He was made to be a good doctor from day 1. I have noticed people opening up to him so easily about their pains, shame etc. I guess he exuded a feeling that he would solve out their problems.  I thought he would go off to community service. Sadly that didn’t happen.

In between that so many ‘brilliant’ guys who got admission to government colleges for medicine simply threw off their degrees and went into the glorious world of beauracracy. I guess they might have been seduced by the tiny tri colour flag, red beacons and men in uniform saluting them. Sad is the plight of the common man who burnt up his savings for the studies of these blue eyed doctors. Now they move into a place where more of tax payer’s money is burnt. Now what’s the criteria of these intelligentsia choosing civil servants ??

The Big Game

I have this fat crazy friend who is always into making some quick easy money. One day he comes to me running.

“Dude, you want to make a bet’

‘?!!!’

‘I am into online betting group. You can easily make a cool thousand bucks every day.’

‘ Yaar I don’t watch cricket much. Leave me out’

‘Come on.... If we bring in more people the stakes increase’

‘Namasthey’

Another day I hit the local swanky coffee shop with the sole mal intention of staring out at cute chics. That day I’m surprised to see a few middle aged men sitting alone staring at the large screen playing IPL. Why sudden interest in cricket and that too in a coffee shop? Soon they were fishing out their mobiles and making some frantic calls. And you can guess why!

Here’s a large chunk of population indulging in technically illegal exercise- betting. Then feigning surprise and indignation when the huge machinery unintentionally spew a little dirt. Every season you have stories , arrests and expulsions based on fixing, money laundering and even sexual adventures. But the evil folklore has only added strength to the game. No doubt, the grey shades will only furthermore add glamour and glitz to the huge machinery in the coming days. The reason is not too hard to discover.  IPL caters to the basic human fetish of greed, lust and power. Even when we know it isn’t right, given a choice we would rather sip on vodka and munch on the cigar with hot women around. The cash rich urban India wouldn’t mind spending a 6 digit figure a night for a chance to chase a leg with favourite stars.

One night I find my female friend alive online. I ask her ‘why?’. ‘Watching IPL?’.

‘You watch cricket?’

‘Nah, just because I am a Gilly fan!’

Oh wow. The franchisees have su ecceeded in building a loyal fan base around a few stars. They couldn’t afford to do so with thnge tradition. So you have all the white men descending in herds unmindful of heat. The fancy English commentary, the Ramiz Raja , Siddhu and couple of guystrying to act funny, some guy reminding everyone he’s going for a party tonight, Sachin getting suddenly fit, Raina & Jadeja suddenly finding form of their lives, Gayle getting full tosses, misfields....all these unpredictable acts of destiny which adds to the beauty

 Meanwhile we put in some 'unquestionable' characters for #respect #Sachin #Dravid

Chotta Bheem eats out at McD

Chotta Bheem eating at Mc Donalds would be a very curious and interesting sight to behold. But that is due to happen soon. The Hindu puritans doesn’t appear to care much about this aberration. They normally don’t need a second invitation to clean the cultural mess of the country. The familiar scenes of burning paintings, books, beating the girls out of pubs ran through my mind. Why was Chotta Bheem spared?

 The beauty of Hinduism as a religion is there is a set of Gods who are vivid and multi dimensional. Caging these ‘Gods’ to an idiot box must have been very trying for its makers. Chotta Bheem is a curious case of convenient conformity to populist culture. It was the brain child of some innovative entertainer to bring in the super humans to animated form. They made sure that the whole theme suits the taste of middle class Indian. Hence the controversial items like roasting up the tribal woman and her five children were avoided. Soon the series caught the imagination of kids stunted in the tiny apartments.

The first people who realized benefits of Aryanization of Hinduism was GoI way back in times of Rajiv Gandhi. As a result white skinned beautiful Gods & Godesses visited the Indian households across the country. The villains were dark , ugly & noisy. Thus we have a homogenous & unipolar religion.

Meanwhile McD who were on the lookout to capture the huge Indian market by cheap junk foods found out a way. Why not let the Gods market. The children wont have much trouble in eating what their superheroes eat. Soon the parents & Grandparents have to hunt for a McD outlet to eat. Soon millions of slim, sad people would be happily grabbing & munching burgers

What I would look for in a woman

Very soon I will be approaching my 30s- the age of the famous mid-life crises. All my compatriots are busy getting married off, flying to exotic places, begetting babies & posting it all in facebook. It’s best to stay away from the temptation of browsing through FB. The timelines have been serving as a constant source of jealousy.

Ever since I completed quarter of a century on the face of the earth, my parents have been pushing me to get married off. Ever since my teens I have abhorred the institution & adamantly pledged to stay a heretic for the rest of my life. Once in my college fest, where I was pushed to stage to take part in some Personality Contest , I declared that marriage distracts you from the greater goal. I laid out the examples of APJ, Vivekananda. Those were heady days of dreams & ideologies.

Just 10 years later, I realize I have no goal and no concrete ideology. Hence there’s no point in staying unmarried. All my compatriots are getting married off too. I don’t know the inspiration behind it. May be it’s the fear of turning old alone. May be humans are born to mate & pro create.

I am on a dilemma, having to push myself to commit into an act I am not sure of. Having said that, I realize most of the life turning decision of a common man is taken by the people around him. Great men make their own decisions.

Amid all the noise, I approach a great friend & mentor. I asks him, ‘Dude I am looking to get married but I don’t know what to look for’. He says ‘ Write down what you really want in a woman’

So here I am writing down the list of ‘what I’m looking for in a woman’

BE WARNED: Girls, you will find it very tough to resist the temptation of falling in love with me 

1.       Beauty/ Lust factor: When I was high on teenage hormones, I dreamt of marrying those busty Tamil actors. Pretty naughty one, I know. Later on came the feel for cherubic beauty ( the cute kinds). By the time I was out of college & worldly wise, I realized busty babes wouldn’t be good enough when they are older. So I switched to slim ones.Years rolled by & I came to realize how unfairly biased is the ‘marriage market’ is for the girls with comparatively lesser beauty.  If you don’t have the money & land to offset the defect in your beauty (looks), you may end up putting up your profile for a long time in marriage matrimonial. I had a very ordinary looking friend who migrated to USA and took up nursing. Recently I found her married in FB to some hot guy. The guy was giving cool poses in some fancy cars.

That’s where looks end and money talks

2.       Profession & Intellect: I have always been turned by women with high intellectual capability. I wouldn’t take someone from my own profession, as I would like to leave the office at office. Economics, English have been huge turn on for me.

I abhor IT industry in equal measures. I am not at all bothered about the pay packet. Being the lazy guy I am, I would prefer her earn more and I would hand over the reins to her & be an obedient husband for the rest of my life.

I want her to be intelligent with pretty strong ideas. My mom was always on the opposite side. When the talk turned to worldly matters, she put up a poor picture of herself. Still she brought up the kids- not bad

3.       Religion, Ethics: This must be one crucial & confusing part for me. I have been a fairly good religious person and all of a sudden the vanity in the institution.  It would be tough if the girl takes a contrasting view. But it would be good to fake a religious fervor, atleast by the time kids are old. Even with all the rotten tomatoes religion imparts a sense of identity.

I had these fancy ideas on becoming a revolutionary. Even today I nurse the secret fantasies. I hope marriage doesn’t deter me if the call comes along. Or may be I would quit the job and join some college or turn a farmer. I simply don’t want to be a white collared son of a bitch.

Sadly it ends here. I am a boring guy after all

The White Smoke

The abdication of Pope Benedict was a shock as well as a mystery. The rumor mills failed to take off in India. The Mallu papers even went on to the extent of glorifying ‘the sacrifice’. The western media weren’t that kind though. The hushed talks about the pope failing in his fight against financial & accounting malpractices came up. Moreover his zealous stand against the liberation theology failed to find him many fans.

Pope John Paul left behind a pious & sagely image. He was not well known for his hardline stance against the dilution of ‘core values’. Still western corridors of power were ever grateful to him for his positive approach to the solidarity movement in Poland. He was seen off with much fanfare. Sadly Pope Benedict had to take the reins when the church was hitting the bottom with so many allegations & abuse around the world. It wasn’t the medieval period & brushing it under the carpet only helped the issues stink more.

From the way I see it, the success of a pope depends on how well you are sellable to the media. Simplicity is a good USP. You will have to have a few photos & stories to make the point’ Slow movements , gentle voice, portly figure are added flavours. It’s better if you make the right sounds & stay out of politics & economics of the globe.

The church of today is so different from the one long ago. The election of the popes were itself mired with controversy and rumors of huge money going to & fro before the white smoke piped out. The popes themselves were ruthless, had army of their own & waged wars against the landlords/kings who defied them. The popes lived in luxury & begat illegitimate children too. There was also an infamous period of papal schism, when two popes ruled the church simultaneously. But today the flock prefer their priests to stay in church, do social services & conduct masses. Running the country is best left to professionals.

One convenient truth everyone tends to forget is- no religion was created for the sake of creating a religion. The prime objective- be it Hinduism, Islam or Judaism- was running & managing the well being of a society. The argument that religion should stay away from politics is lame & is of crooked interests. The church should pro actively involve with matters of the world even if it has to shed the meekness factor.

The common man cannot align his minds with the modern intricacies of democracy , socialism or communism. But he would be comfortable to understand the scriptures he have been hearing from his childhood.  He would have set his living standards from the scriptures.

Is it the right thing to keep him out of decision making process that pertains to his life? On the pretext of him being too illiterate is it fair to allow the businessmen, aristocrats & oligarchs to make his decision. All the so called ‘phobias’ & animosities is a part of a bigger game to keep the common man from governance.

I call for our churches & mosques to be power centers!!

A letter to Mein Fuhrer

Sir,

I would like to congratulate you & your fellow management for systematically gagging and destroying the so called employees association. I was never an admirer of the association. Their sole aim in life was collecting the monthly fees & giving benevolent posting to the faithful. Still, with all the flaws, the association was an accepted body that took up the issues of the employees. Now with the nemesis out of the way, you can practice more ‘democracy’.

Trash loading the Bank Times with your pleas, war cries, prophecies of impending doom was one smart move. The web site was official site for communication & a place where all the employees frequented. The association never had such a forum. You alienated the old behemoth with your smart move. You exploited the crowd mentality & addiction to ‘bytes’. My heart felt appreciation. You’re smart & this smartness might be the reason that overlooked your lack of seniority and catapulted you to the chairman of the nation’s largest banks. This smartness will ensure you end up with a plump posting upon the impending retirement.

The world we live in is not for the people who are good at heart. Rather its for the ones who speak about love, benevolence, ethics, balancing personal & professional life, taking care of your parents & ultimately gifting ambulances and water purifiers. By the way you needn’t mention that gifting ambulances and water purifiers , which you do in the name of Corporate Social Responsiblity helps your accountants to play with balance sheets more favourably.

Now, it has become another great fantasy to declare a working day out of the blue. Holidays are looked on with fear and contempt. Imagine having to serve the esteemed customer while you should’ve been with your family?!! I just love the way you shock your employees by putting the ad in every single newspaper declaring the bank will open on holidays. And for the record you’ve even declared the bank will open till midnight on Easter. The ad addressed to the ‘esteemed customer’ scares the shit out of 50 year old lazy bum who would’ve been looking forward to spend time relaxing at home.

As if to add icing to the cake he scampers around searching for the benefits he’s entitled to get for dragging his lazy ass to the office on a holiday. One day I bet you are going to surprise one and all by removing the perks and I hope i live long enough to see it.

I donot understand who are you trying to serve by the ‘extended working hours’. I don’t see the Indian masses rejoicing seeing your notification in the paper. Nor do they bother to bank just because its a holiday. Sir, I guess men live by bread and water alone. They donot eat cash.

May be you’re in the process of conducting a great sociological experiment by churning out a mass of obedient employees who are unable to respond. Who am I to question your vision!

All the very best to you Sir