Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Wings On Fire.... Happy b'day Kalaam

This is for one of the most trouble-less, innocent guy you would have ever met. Wherever he goes he becomes ‘the talk’. Had you met him you would have said the same.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing you to Kalaam. He is not the famous scientist, APJ or the politician, Maulana. He is our own Kalaam.
His sister has been pestering everyone for a write up for some time. I am going to pay him a tribute in my own way.

You might have developed the picture of tall, handsome, muscular guy. But he is none among the three. He is just an average guy next door. He is a kind of Jughead, and doesn’t give a damn about girls. I believe the two women he admires is his sis and mom.

I had the privilege to get to know him from my school days. Back then I went for early morning tuitions. It was supposedly the time your mind was free from evil thoughts. The class would have been dozing off silently when the serenity would be broken by a goat bleat. It would have been normal but the bleat sounded something like, ‘Sir, May I come in’. The class would burst out laughing. That’s how Kalaam unwittingly spiced up the procedures.

During those days he was given the name ‘odichu kuthi’. The huge bag he carried on his back would bend him perpendericular.
My fate decreed that I would study with him for another four years. In fact I was quite surprised to meet him again at the college. We were just formal friends till then. The next four years became a Kalaam-Reloaded.

Kalaam’s favorite weakness was gaming. He used to sit up entire night online gaming and then went to bed in the classroom while lectures were raging on. In fact he was the darling of every teacher as he caused little trouble. I am going to narrate out some of the great incidents we witnessed:

Our class was the epicenter of many troubles, trouble makers and fights. Every quarrel would turn out nasty and someone would get hurt real bad. Once during such an incident all the teachers went to the Head of Department threatening to boycott our class. Our Head of Department was in a dilemma. If he picked out anyone in particular, he would be accused of partiality thus aggravating the situation. He looked around and picked up Kalaam by the collar, ‘So you are the troublemaker, huh?’ it turned out to be a clever strategy as teachers fought together to prove Kalaam’s innocence. The case was dissolved.

Kalaam taught us every problems could be solved in a peaceful and non-violent way. Once an unpleasant strike turned violent. Few skulls were broken and police were called in to the campus. The police threw us out hurling at us the choicest of expletives. Students stood outside the campus, knees knocking in fear. To everyone’s surprise Kalaam went to the pot-bellied policeman with a huge moustache standing at the gate and said ‘Uncle uncle can I take my car from inside. Uncle, please uncle please’. The policeman must have been taken back by the ‘Uncle’. Kalaam was the only one to get his vehicle out.

Another one of Kalaam’s passion was Japanese anime with the name ‘Manga’. In fact he learnt to speak Japanese very well. Everyone would make fun of his Manga craze. But many, including me, started watching Manga after he persuaded us to watch some trial episodes. Some of the series that became a hit among us were the ‘Death note’ and ‘Kensin Himurai’

Kalaam was not as innocent as he seemed to be. He had an anime porn collection too. Believe me guys, it’s a fabulous stuff that can stretch your imagination.
Kalaam is very much shy of girls. Once Kalaam’s sister’s friends came for a visit. Kalaam was peacefully watching the anime porn upstairs. He heard them coming up and ran away without closing the porn window. The girls came and saw the porn running and it was bit too farfetched for their innocent imagination. A few of them fainted and the other few vomited all over the floor.

Kalaam’s reputation wasn’t confined to Gaming and Manga alone. He was an expert at race driving his Premier Padmini and later the Maruthi 800. The reality is he was rather inept in driving slowly and surprisingly wasn’t involved in any accidents either. He drove the car in the way Messi dribbled his football. The potholes and other vehicles became the opposite team when he severed the car and did the semicircular curves. For us NFS became more than a game while driving with him. Another weakness of his was indulging in animated discussions while driving. He used to indulge in thoughts and conversations taking both his hand off the steering wheel and at the same time foot pressed firmly on the accelerator. It was the duty of the person riding with him to hold the wheel at those moments.

Kalaam was brilliant but never bothered to study. As a result he ended up with many back papers while most of us finished our graduation. Most of us moved to different parts of India for higher studies, job searching, working etc. Like all good things in life the friend’s gang broke apart. Kalaam ended alone in his home. He plunged more and more into gaming. I remember going to his home in the mornings to see him sleeping on the floor in front of his PC. He used to get up for 20 minute breaks to chat with his partners online on the strategy and go back to sleep.

One fine morning he got the enlightenment. I believe it has got something to do with the gaming server crash down. He stopped gaming all of a sudden. All the back papers were cleared together in one go. He cut down the manga also to some extent. Thus began the era of Kalaam revolutions.

Kalaam Revolutions
Kalaam enrolled into a JAVA course at a premier institute. He was damn good with the computer stuff. The uncertainty prevailed even after the course, so he enrolled for the next one. Kalaam finished up all the courses in the institute one by one.

Kalaam was not at all interested in earning a living. His dad had found a job for him in a factory. But he was too bored for the paperwork.

The principal of the institute called him up and told that they had nothing left to offer him; would he consider taking up position as a faculty member? Kalaam ran away from there. By then he had already become ‘The Master in Computer’. Although Kalaam was well qualified than anyone else to do an IT job, he simply hadn’t grown up to do it.
That’s when his cousin in Bangalore asked him to go there for a networking course. So Kalam set out for the great Metro. Staying away from home did wonders to his character. The next time we saw Kalaam he had started combing his hair and the sandals made way for NIKE.

But Kalaam continued to woo people in Bnagalore too. They started a blog in his honour. Here goes one of his famous stories:
He was on a train to visit some cousin of his. Mistakes happens to genius but they turn around situations to make the mistake look real genius idea. He learnt from a fellow passenger that the train doesn’t stop at the place where his cousin stays but the next station which is just a few kilometers away. Kalam didn’t stop to think. He took out his baggage and jumped out of the moving train. If you are thinking how brilliant the idea was, wait till you hear the rest of the story. Kalaam was suffering from pain all over. He went out and took an X-ray of his body. We ordinary mortals would have gone to a doctor. But he hated doctors with big syringes and knives. Kalaam and went out and googled for the X-ray of a normal man. He self diagnosed that he was quite okay and there was no need for a surgery or plaster. He just has a side effect he can’t raise his arm much. But genius has to make ultimate sacrifices for the sake of humanity.

Kalaam is a teetotaller. He has never known what a ciggarette is nevertheless abeer. But one day his friends in Bangalore persuaded him to drink a bit of beer. Poor Kalaam took a sip. It was too much for him to bear. He called up his Mom and confessed with tears all the eveil things he had committed.

Time flew by and Kalaam wasn’t still willing to work until his dad decreed that his allowances will be stopped within a month. And within a few weeks we were surprised to see a tie-clad , hair trimmed, full sleeved Kalaam in Technopark.
He is a famous Network Engineer in Kerala today.

If you think Kalaam has changed, I would say, ‘not much’. He demonstrated that when he was shifting out of Bangalore. He set out from Trivandrum to Bangalore to fetch his things. And he came back with just his PC.

Time for wind-up from me... Long live Kalaam!!!

Happy B'day

This is from my friend Vattu
Wishing you a very Happy b’day!!!de, plse pass this on... "at 14 u made yourself appear in doordarshan in the very famous anti-porn documentary(featuring in and as a victim of porn), at 18 u convinced anusri(a sexy gal in our batch) to be your partner(badminton mixed doubles), now you are 25, and its 7 years since your last magic... so i'm waiting for one (sumthing else which is less tragic than jumping from trains or over bridges and doing a self diagnosis), dont delay it..."
Long Live Kalaam.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Rich, The Poor, The betweens....The India

India is a land of myths and magics. You would surely think if anyone still belives in those in the 21st century. Yes, the myths and magic is still there. With the only difference that our ruling class are the greatest magicians.

One of the greatest myths of the last year was India is the country least affected by global recession. None of our multimillion companies closed down. No massive firing took place. Everyone continued working may be with some small pay cuts in their huge pay slips.
Now the companies started their recruitments once again. Markets have gone up. Everything looks rosy again.

I came to the office this morning to see this clipping.
I hate Times of India and read it only when I need a sexual boost. But this thing seems more than authentic.

According to United Nations Department for Economic and Social Affairs the number of poor in India had gone up by 34 million during the 2009

But as long as our Ambanis , Subratas and Premjis stay rich, I don’t think we have a reason to panic, do we? Everything is fine as long as they stay in Forbe’s list.
I don’t think our upper middle class is affected too. Since they generate most of the taxes and form up bulk of the customers for media, government and media has to keep them happy always. No questions about that.
So who cares about the poor who has to eat junk because of the rising food prices? The good thing about the number of jobless going up is we can use them for menial job s that too for low wages. The slight irritation is they might turn to crime and violence. But we have a strong police force to handle them, don’t we?
So let’s sell up our PSUs to the rich so that they can increase the prices of essential commodities and make it profitable. Yes, profits matter more than anything else- be it private or public.
Let’s relocate the poor from their farmlands and build industries and IT parks (or else TATAs cannot come up with their cheap cars that resemble autorikshaws). Let’s sell of our fresh water and use Pepsi and Colas.
Let’s start reading the crap books of crap authors. Let’s watch crap movies of Khans and Kapoors. Let’s use everything branded.

Let’s make India prosperous….

Saturday, February 6, 2010


One of the essentials our magazines or tabloids can’t do without is the daily sex columns. Every day you get a daily dose from experts who generously advice you in how to transform yourself into a sex toy that give your partner 24x7 pleasure.
Well there are different ways people try to make out meaning of their miserable lives. Some does it through (physical) pleasure. Some redeems through their hobbies , passion or work. Redemption is the ultimate aim any man has got. Religions and demi gods claim redemption through good works or beliefs.
I seek my redemption in my childhood. I am going to walk 20 years back, into the village where I spent my childhood. Days were filled with flowers and butterflies. There were no worries about where I was going to end up in future.
Bad guys were only seen in movies.
The paddy fields and harvest is a fast dying breed in Kerala today. The only places you see them are in television.
Walking to the church every Sunday through these fields studded with golden crown was glorious. Even half of the proceedings going on in the church were not understood. But still I had to go to escape the eternal damnation in hell. We did all kinds of mischief when the service was going on. An old man would silently come up behind and pinch us, as a painful remainder. The mischief came to a temporary halt only to restart soon after.
After harvests the empty fields turned into cricket and football grounds. Football was played bare foot. Cricket bat was cut of coconut branches and cheap balls were used. I was too young to join and could only look on in wonderment.
The schools were not competitive at all. I don’t remember feeling the tensions of exams anytime in life. But the good thing was we had the opportunities to learn more from outside the school than inside. The playgrounds were the hot spots. We made maximum use of it. Apart from games there were fights with children from neighboring classes, schools and I don’t remember any teacher raising a fuss about it. And there was this open loo for girls and boys (we were too innocent to take a peek).
There was a stream running behind our backyard. It used to go dry in extreme summer and flood on heavy rains. During the floods all kinds of unusual people like tortoises and crabs came for a visit.
And there used to be two kids in our neighborhood. They had a VCR and got the Tom and Jerry cartoons from their relatives abroad. Rarely did we get a privilege to watch the Tom and Jerry videos. After many years I got a chance to see the brother and sister pair again. The sister has become a lot more sexy. I heard brother became a useless kid in the neighborhood. Yes, even the good old country side has become corrupted.

But in these concrete jungles I will dream about my childhood.

About Me

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Shakespeare,Da Vinci, Benjamin Franklin and Lincoln never saw a movie,heard a radio or looked at TV. They had loneliness and knew what to do with it. Thay were not afraid of being lonely because they knew that was when the creative mood in them would work.