Wednesday, November 5, 2014

An anarchic human

Today morning I decided to put a full stop to my nightly chat with girls. It's just that I get horny after dinner and I search for girls over whatsapp, facebook, gtalk, viber and ask them every wierd question ranging from mini skirts, shorts, boobs, sex and lesbian friends (strictly in that order). At the end of it I earned another name 'Jerk'. It is not that I don't deserve to be called so. But I prefer not to go 'viral' and freak out anymore ladies.

In the afternoon, after making the life saving decision, I went out to get my daily coffee from a joint nearby. Now the joint, ICH, is quite famous in the city and there are good cances to run into old friends who happen to be there for a long conversation or silent rumination

And today I met my old friend who was into law these days. We chatted over a coffee  about the case he was into. A IT proffessional lady conspired with her lover to bump off the kids and in-laws. Her idea of a rosy life-ever-after was to get divorce from the husband with no strings attached.
I have always had  this fascination for men in black coat. They gulp up pages and pages just to drag the process for eternity. I asked my defense-lawyer-friend if he thought she deserved punishment.
Óf course she killed the kids'

I wondered aloud , what made her take such a risk knowing very well that a small mistake can result in te murder plans falling apart. She would be faced with a society too eager to cast the first stone and a judge too happy to tie the noose

A few days ago,  a couple of hundred miles from here, the cool liberal youths got together to kiss in public. Suddenly out of nowhere a religious group who hated people kissing in public brought an Ox and cow to drive home the fact that kissing in public is 'çattle culture'

What is it really that differentiate a 'human' from a 'çattle'. Is it the rules he conforms to? Who has set the rule? What do you really mean by the term 'society'? Why do we fear anarchy?

I had a friend from college who had this cute figure. More than the figure it was this mysterious current flowing underneath which could whip up some passion. After college we drifted apart and she got married , migrated to the paradise- USA. Last time we talked I came to know that she wa bringing up her baby alone, while her husband was far away busy minting money. I being the usual jerk, kept on probing and realized she was forced into marriage with the belief that life was adjustable.
I was disturbed that the girl, whom I believed to be the strongest ever, was forced into a decision which could ruin the rest of her life . If givena chance I would have asked what tied the 'husband' to her? But then she might call me the jerk.

If I was made to plead the case of the murderer I would ask the judge- Why couldn't we allow her to fuck the person she loved? Why did we make her someone she didn't know ? Why did we ask her to bear children when she didn't want to?

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Accidentally Rich

The high beams were beating straight into his eyes. He would have sweared at these fancy cars any other day. Over the years the scooter ride home has become too tiring. The fancy cars are too fast, te drivers too careless and added to that the roads would beat the craters in moon. Back home he spent his evenings nursing the sore back

But this evening his thoughts were drawn somewhere else. The high beams didnt bother him. It seemed to him that the traffic was simply floating.

Each morning he woke up hoping his day would be smooth, that he would end up a millionaire, that he would go for jogging or badminton in snowhite outfit. Decades ago when he joined the company, everyone said his life was made. He managed to land up a pretty girl (thanks to the profile). He managed to get a loan and built a small home ( not exactly big as his dream home though)

Then at some point or the other everything stopped. He seemed to be stuck in his position for decades. Company seemed to have got over its boom. Everything became stagnant. The once bright lights seemed to have dimmed, wooden furnishing seemed to be peeling off and the air stenchy.

People seemed to hate each other and were too eager to bite each other behind the back. Can't blame them. This is the only way to get through this eternal pit. Back then , while joining, 'no-pension' didn't bother him much. Life seemed to be forever young. Now with a little more than a decade left for a 'tearful send off' he felt the involuntary shivers down his spine

The only thing he feared was his sons ending up doing mediocre things like him. Unless he wins a lottery or some childless uncle leaves him an estate he doesn't have any chance. But the probablity of both incidents were very very negligible.

That's when the well dressed sauve-speaking marketing executive came up for a 'financial education' session. He had tried his  hand at all fancy financial instruments and came out unhurt but not rich. Even though nothing else interested him, the 'Áccidental insurance' caught his imagination. A paltry amount can make him richer if he 'died'. And added to that there is no limit for the amount to which his life can be nsured. The marketing executive, seeing his interest went a step  ahead and regaled him with the stories of dead men who ended up rich.

The scooter kept on floating in his dream world until rudely awoken by the sudden beam of light from a car that took a sharp turn in front of him

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Travails of a Bride Hunter

In two weeks I would have finished a journey of 29 years on earth, having finished up almost all my youth remaining a virgin. It's no mean feat considering my beauty, handsomness and enormous temptation I have been subjected to.
Jokes apart I had hoped to officially shed my virginity by getting married, the traditional Kerala style. But I don't think that's going to happen any soon

Now you guys have been reading blogs after blogs on travails of hot feminists in choosing from dumb boys. Have you ever read travails of a hot guy who had to choose his bitter half from a herd of dumb girls. Well, you're about to, atleast you are almost about to.

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' Is this your first kiss?' Imagine your wife asking you that. Just imagine the looks of suspicion when you find it dfficult to choose between  a Yes and a No.
If my better sense prevails I would say its my first and I feel wonderful

But if my sensiblity fails me I would say I had kissed a drunk girl a few years ago. She would pretend to take it cool and come up with the next question. 'Then why didn't you marry her?' 'Well it was a one night fling'. That would be the end of my brief 'happy-married-life'

That's the greatest challenge we men face. To be honest or not-to-be. If you tell the girl she is fat or dumb or pain in the ass, which is likely to be truth, could mean a lot of trouble. But instead if you say she looks smart, beautiful or sexy- you will have a successful, long , happy married life

The same rule applies for a bride hunter as well. Firstly speaking I am not a fan of marriage-the-institution. I would prefer to be a free single bird shagging off at Sunny Leones and Priya Rais. But my fate was that I was born into a traditional christian family who registered my profile in some matrimonial site without even me knowing it. I always despised and still despise this matrimonial site match making. This practice which was considered too posh and too ungodly is very popular now, since the old joint family no longer works. Even the good old brokers doesn't go around town searching for unwed handsome people. They too use the internet to hunt their prey.

So I told my parents, as they gave me no choice, to set up a profile and put in whatever they wanted in the profile. A few weeks later I get a call from a hysterical friend. I scrambled for my profile and to my dismay discovered that they had uploaded a passport picture of mine and created a profile which looked as if I was a Arsenal Football player. I was unbelievably mad, but then I realized my parents knew noting much of me and I don't have any proper looking photos.
Proper looking photos are essential for selling your profile. The old fashioned will get the help of a studio.  The chic people will  use a professional profile creator. Even selfie photos have become quite populare among girls. Among the boys, the fashion is to put up something in an exotic place. It shows you are cool guy and fun loving But let me warn you, get ready to get a shock when you finally see the girl for real.

The nature of work is the most clinching factor to get a 'good match'. If you're some top notch government servant or a doctor or a software pro working abroad the girls queue in front of your house with the placard 'steal my flower'. But if you have some boring jobs like say a banker or a software engineer in some god forsaken city you will have to hunt some equally loser girl. If the guy is settled abroad not only the girl but her mother and sister will give yo a blow job readily, irrespective of what your job is. That's the secret why guys try desperatly to get some posting in USA for a short term and get married before the whites kick your ass alll the way back to Hindoostan.

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A few weeks ago, after a year of bride hunting some God-fearing NRI came with the proposal for his doctor daughter. First his call came from across the seas, then his friend,s call, then the friend came for a visit to gauge the waters. Then came the NRI's facebook friend's request
He hadn't even seen me and the friend's request came before him.

This is a very creepy and wierd part of modern matchmaking. Your facebook profile is taken as your mirror image and it has to be filled with so much verses from Bible and other politically correct posts, photos and images.
Rest of the story is something like after so many visits the creepy NRI stopped calling  at all. End of the story

To tell the truth i hate most of the girls i see. But this seems to be an inevitable evil

Friday, August 22, 2014

A marriage and some memories

i was not very sure about going for his marriage, in the first place. It has been a principle not to attend marriages over 'Facebook invites', But it has been 13 years and it wasn't a bad idea to meet up some old buddies. And at the last moment I decided to ask my driver to drop me at the marriage venue.

As soon as I got down, a white scooter stopped right in front of me with a sudden brake ' Hello Jon!!' Here comes Arun. He was kind of sweet guy back from school. We weren't best buddies then. But some years ago he sends me a Facebook request and here comes request after request to read his blog. I didn't have the heart to tell him that his blogs were all equally pathetic. And now, I dreaded if he would want to make sure I read his blog. Thankfully he didn't, in anyway. But I was quite surprised when he peppered his sentences with English in proper American slang. Every distraught techie who hasn't got a chance to 'fly out' spends time to google about life and times in USA. By the time he reaches USA, he would be knowing more about Obamacare than the non chalant American.

The marriage began. The bridegroom, Aswin hadn't changed over years except for the visible paunch. He hadn't lost his trademark look- one eye larger than the other. Something you would see in cartoons. I remembered a joke we made out of  him. He used to doze in class and he would wake up suddenly to twitch his organ as if turning a door knob. He had a best friend- the typical talkative small guy you would find in every class. The small guy was the one who taught me how to masturbate by stimulating it on a pen

Unfortunately I couldn't find anyone except for John. John was of slight built back then. Then we learnt he joined Airforce before joining college. He was talking about the desperateness to get out of the job. We had considered him to be lucky back then.
How wrong we are. I hung around to see if I could get a whiff of air from school. But no, time had flown by so fast and it seemed difficult to me, a bunch of guys who tried hard to masturbate, now getting married

Thursday, July 3, 2014

The IAS - abode for the intelligent insecure Indian youth

It's been hard to open the newspapers during the months of May and June. That started when I was in high school. Tuition centers published the list of their 'çonquests'- toppers in various competitive exams. They printed it in the front page and will go on doing so for days together. Added to that the television will chase down the topers to get the 'secret' behind the success
The secret would invariably be the same- 12 hours of study, parents mothers, teachers, goal, doctor, engineer.
Then starts Dad's lecture on how I wasted my talents

The funny thing is I'm almost 30 and the cycle hasn't stopped' Now it's the three letter golden word in capital letters - IAS

IAS has become a rage these days down here in Kerala as well. A few years ago we let the Biharis fight out among themselves while Malayalis preferred software jobs with hefty pay and US visa or even better- the Gulf jobs. But soon the global melt down changed all that. Pay rise stagnated, Jobs were lost and Obama no longer let any Indians into his country. Thus came  ' job security' along with glamour, power and pay which are essential criteria for a 'good' job. IAS perfectly fit the bill

To tell ou the truth, years ago I did nurse the dreams of being a 'çollector'. Only the elite got into the fray then. They were the school leaders, or first prize winners in elocution. I never fell in any of those category, but still wanted to be the dark horse until a solemn looking guy said I won't be good at it.
Sad, unshaven and forlorn looking Raju Narayana Swamy was the epitome of honest officers when the rest were considered to be gluttonous and corrupt, glorified peons to Ministers.

Surprisingly today the media and cinema is filled with young, handsome and sauve officers raiding, storming and catching the bad guys. After they put them in jail our young IAS officer imparts wisdom to the poor villager. They fly around the world to learn stuff, travel in beacon vehicles  and stay in palatial bunglow.

Apart from all the rosy stories, the people I encountered were very far from the cliched images. I have seen men being forced to drive senseless government policies. There were officials who had to spend nights to correct the fault of their predecessors. Then there was this pure arrogance, thanks to loads of power.
During my active stalking days in twitter, I had come across this amazingly brilliant girl from Kerala. She got into some MBBS course in a prestigious institute. But she wants to quit medicine and get into IAS. I asked her why and the reply is - I can't stand people. And she got into IAS.
There was another classmate of mine who quit her medicine and has been trying for IAS for years
I don't understand how they substantiate their wasting of tax payers money by studying in government aided college and then get into another career which is supposed to serve the taxpayer
There was this another geek school friend of mine who declared proudly that he never even watch news channels. He too got into IAS
But a firebrand friend of mine lost it at the interviews because he spoke for 'student politics'
Another danger is even when our system reserves seats based on caste , the selection confines in upper middle class of the population who have seen the glorified poor only on TV. How can a self absorbed generation serve the poor

Overall I feel the selection is simply for geeks and insecure people who would serve the system well. Hope I am proved wrong

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The ruler is here

The day before the vote were counted, I was travelling through the city. The candidates who were made to look handsome and beautiful before the elections had started to fade and were peeling off the walls. We are having these exercise every 2-3 years at different levels and we have been spending a fortune everytime. What a paradox

In the evening I was out with my old buddy. We got into a hotel which seduced us with the 'Borotta and Beef fry' board. As we got in, he said we might never know if we will get to eat these from tomorrow.

The night when results were declared : Tonight I am not sure of what to feel. The vast millions have written their destiny for the next couple of decades.The mandate was so unanimous that it seemed that opponents were washed off in a tsunami
Personally I went through a roller coaster ride. On one hand I am happy that there was a regime change. On the other hand we are not very sure of what's coming up. But, without any doubt, we might have writen our destiny for the next two decades

At this juncture, the wisest thing is to have an emotionally detached viewpoint on the whole exercise- the trends and results

1. Social media impact
In this election, for the first time, social networks were used extensively. I woul say the trends are not very good . The reason being, negativity can be spread so easily and with such a vast and direct coverage, impact is the maximum

Added to that traditional news media also have started to adopt the maximum impactt journalism. To my surprise even the conservative media houses preferred the same

As a result we had terms like- weak ruler, terrorism, insurgency, threat, foreigner, Madam, minority appeasment dominating  the mindspace. I am positive there was no serious discussion on the real failure of the incumbent government.
Besides the opponents didn't commit anything other than 'good days', 'strong leader' , 'revenge ' and 'temple'.

2. The idea of corruption
I don't think ever before we had such a serious discussion on corruption. The figures grew obsinately high. There were allegations and counter allegations.. Rather than the idea of corruption, the feeling of a foreigner family taking off with our wealth must have hit the right chords in the electoral minds.
The high level of inequities would've positively started an anti incumbency feeling. But was there a discussion on the inequity ? I wouldn't think so

3. Religion and Nationalism
Is India a Hindu state? We may have to answer the question in near future. BJP , traditionally party for the upper caste , stood silent as the lower castes started identifying themseleves as 'Hindus'.
Not so long ago, the same population was thown off into the fringes. Now realizing the importance of numbers, they were lovingly brought into the wider 'Hindu family' .

The feeling of religion and nationalism has dangerously mingled with each other. There is a popular school of thought which says everything not-Hindu is not-Indian. There was a very visible religious polarization even among the educated Indian.
The country has been compared to a Hindu Goddess who should be worshipped. Why the need for this blatant and visible show of patriotism. To me the country is a collection of people and nothing more.

Even more disturbing is the fact that hate merchants were deployed to propagate the message. These people were officially detached from the mainstream party, but they brought in votes and the votes came in huge numbers. Over the national level Dr Samy, who has done extensive survey on 'Gandhi' family is one. Years ago when he started spewing venom, he attracted huge negativism. But down the years he has converted that negative energy into a considerable fan base.

4. Third alternative
India lost any chance for a third front. None of the leaders had a pan India image and everyone wanted to be the prime minister
One such party , SP, literally played into the BJP trap with a poorly mismanaged communal riot. This fetched BJP some 80 seats and more

The left has been completely decimated. In kerala, they failed to present a strong candidate for the race.

Like it or not, Kejriwal seems to be the only option for a third alternative. He is known over the country and his only weak point is the tendency to self destruct.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

My Exit Polls

If everything goes well tomorrow, that is if nothing goes bad we will know who our leader is by evening tomrrow
Nevertheless, the papers have given a verdict already. The surprise is already over and all we need to do is pack our bags tp Pakistan or stay on in India, whichever we choose

The election, will surely change the face of Indian political landscape. The whole process has showcased the inherent weakness of Indian electoral system as well.
Lack of choice is one. India had to choose bette among the worst. Years and years of misrle (or rather mismanagement), has driven the people to look out for choices. But devoid of any, people have to rely on their common sense to choice based on verbal jugglery and media noise.

The visual efect is number two. The candidates have realised the effect of snesory organ called eye in making choices. Hence chests have become broader, hair has grown thicker, teeth have grown whiter and crowds have eome bigger. Photoshop is the trendy tool for the election

Although a  section of the media tried to woo the electorate out of choice based on caste and reliion, this time doubtlessly religious and caste feeling have moved up into higher strata of society as well. The coming years will see more polarisation.

The concept of third front died down completely. Only the communists wit paltry handful of seats had any intention in designing a alternative. But they lacked the authenticity to build up, as they are no longer  a force exceept in Kerala

About Me

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Shakespeare,Da Vinci, Benjamin Franklin and Lincoln never saw a movie,heard a radio or looked at TV. They had loneliness and knew what to do with it. Thay were not afraid of being lonely because they knew that was when the creative mood in them would work.