Chotta Bheem eats out at McD

Chotta Bheem eating at Mc Donalds would be a very curious and interesting sight to behold. But that is due to happen soon. The Hindu puritans doesn’t appear to care much about this aberration. They normally don’t need a second invitation to clean the cultural mess of the country. The familiar scenes of burning paintings, books, beating the girls out of pubs ran through my mind. Why was Chotta Bheem spared?

 The beauty of Hinduism as a religion is there is a set of Gods who are vivid and multi dimensional. Caging these ‘Gods’ to an idiot box must have been very trying for its makers. Chotta Bheem is a curious case of convenient conformity to populist culture. It was the brain child of some innovative entertainer to bring in the super humans to animated form. They made sure that the whole theme suits the taste of middle class Indian. Hence the controversial items like roasting up the tribal woman and her five children were avoided. Soon the series caught the imagination of kids stunted in the tiny apartments.

The first people who realized benefits of Aryanization of Hinduism was GoI way back in times of Rajiv Gandhi. As a result white skinned beautiful Gods & Godesses visited the Indian households across the country. The villains were dark , ugly & noisy. Thus we have a homogenous & unipolar religion.

Meanwhile McD who were on the lookout to capture the huge Indian market by cheap junk foods found out a way. Why not let the Gods market. The children wont have much trouble in eating what their superheroes eat. Soon the parents & Grandparents have to hunt for a McD outlet to eat. Soon millions of slim, sad people would be happily grabbing & munching burgers

What I would look for in a woman

Very soon I will be approaching my 30s- the age of the famous mid-life crises. All my compatriots are busy getting married off, flying to exotic places, begetting babies & posting it all in facebook. It’s best to stay away from the temptation of browsing through FB. The timelines have been serving as a constant source of jealousy.

Ever since I completed quarter of a century on the face of the earth, my parents have been pushing me to get married off. Ever since my teens I have abhorred the institution & adamantly pledged to stay a heretic for the rest of my life. Once in my college fest, where I was pushed to stage to take part in some Personality Contest , I declared that marriage distracts you from the greater goal. I laid out the examples of APJ, Vivekananda. Those were heady days of dreams & ideologies.

Just 10 years later, I realize I have no goal and no concrete ideology. Hence there’s no point in staying unmarried. All my compatriots are getting married off too. I don’t know the inspiration behind it. May be it’s the fear of turning old alone. May be humans are born to mate & pro create.

I am on a dilemma, having to push myself to commit into an act I am not sure of. Having said that, I realize most of the life turning decision of a common man is taken by the people around him. Great men make their own decisions.

Amid all the noise, I approach a great friend & mentor. I asks him, ‘Dude I am looking to get married but I don’t know what to look for’. He says ‘ Write down what you really want in a woman’

So here I am writing down the list of ‘what I’m looking for in a woman’

BE WARNED: Girls, you will find it very tough to resist the temptation of falling in love with me 

1.       Beauty/ Lust factor: When I was high on teenage hormones, I dreamt of marrying those busty Tamil actors. Pretty naughty one, I know. Later on came the feel for cherubic beauty ( the cute kinds). By the time I was out of college & worldly wise, I realized busty babes wouldn’t be good enough when they are older. So I switched to slim ones.Years rolled by & I came to realize how unfairly biased is the ‘marriage market’ is for the girls with comparatively lesser beauty.  If you don’t have the money & land to offset the defect in your beauty (looks), you may end up putting up your profile for a long time in marriage matrimonial. I had a very ordinary looking friend who migrated to USA and took up nursing. Recently I found her married in FB to some hot guy. The guy was giving cool poses in some fancy cars.

That’s where looks end and money talks

2.       Profession & Intellect: I have always been turned by women with high intellectual capability. I wouldn’t take someone from my own profession, as I would like to leave the office at office. Economics, English have been huge turn on for me.

I abhor IT industry in equal measures. I am not at all bothered about the pay packet. Being the lazy guy I am, I would prefer her earn more and I would hand over the reins to her & be an obedient husband for the rest of my life.

I want her to be intelligent with pretty strong ideas. My mom was always on the opposite side. When the talk turned to worldly matters, she put up a poor picture of herself. Still she brought up the kids- not bad

3.       Religion, Ethics: This must be one crucial & confusing part for me. I have been a fairly good religious person and all of a sudden the vanity in the institution.  It would be tough if the girl takes a contrasting view. But it would be good to fake a religious fervor, atleast by the time kids are old. Even with all the rotten tomatoes religion imparts a sense of identity.

I had these fancy ideas on becoming a revolutionary. Even today I nurse the secret fantasies. I hope marriage doesn’t deter me if the call comes along. Or may be I would quit the job and join some college or turn a farmer. I simply don’t want to be a white collared son of a bitch.

Sadly it ends here. I am a boring guy after all

The White Smoke

The abdication of Pope Benedict was a shock as well as a mystery. The rumor mills failed to take off in India. The Mallu papers even went on to the extent of glorifying ‘the sacrifice’. The western media weren’t that kind though. The hushed talks about the pope failing in his fight against financial & accounting malpractices came up. Moreover his zealous stand against the liberation theology failed to find him many fans.

Pope John Paul left behind a pious & sagely image. He was not well known for his hardline stance against the dilution of ‘core values’. Still western corridors of power were ever grateful to him for his positive approach to the solidarity movement in Poland. He was seen off with much fanfare. Sadly Pope Benedict had to take the reins when the church was hitting the bottom with so many allegations & abuse around the world. It wasn’t the medieval period & brushing it under the carpet only helped the issues stink more.

From the way I see it, the success of a pope depends on how well you are sellable to the media. Simplicity is a good USP. You will have to have a few photos & stories to make the point’ Slow movements , gentle voice, portly figure are added flavours. It’s better if you make the right sounds & stay out of politics & economics of the globe.

The church of today is so different from the one long ago. The election of the popes were itself mired with controversy and rumors of huge money going to & fro before the white smoke piped out. The popes themselves were ruthless, had army of their own & waged wars against the landlords/kings who defied them. The popes lived in luxury & begat illegitimate children too. There was also an infamous period of papal schism, when two popes ruled the church simultaneously. But today the flock prefer their priests to stay in church, do social services & conduct masses. Running the country is best left to professionals.

One convenient truth everyone tends to forget is- no religion was created for the sake of creating a religion. The prime objective- be it Hinduism, Islam or Judaism- was running & managing the well being of a society. The argument that religion should stay away from politics is lame & is of crooked interests. The church should pro actively involve with matters of the world even if it has to shed the meekness factor.

The common man cannot align his minds with the modern intricacies of democracy , socialism or communism. But he would be comfortable to understand the scriptures he have been hearing from his childhood.  He would have set his living standards from the scriptures.

Is it the right thing to keep him out of decision making process that pertains to his life? On the pretext of him being too illiterate is it fair to allow the businessmen, aristocrats & oligarchs to make his decision. All the so called ‘phobias’ & animosities is a part of a bigger game to keep the common man from governance.

I call for our churches & mosques to be power centers!!

A letter to Mein Fuhrer

Sir,

I would like to congratulate you & your fellow management for systematically gagging and destroying the so called employees association. I was never an admirer of the association. Their sole aim in life was collecting the monthly fees & giving benevolent posting to the faithful. Still, with all the flaws, the association was an accepted body that took up the issues of the employees. Now with the nemesis out of the way, you can practice more ‘democracy’.

Trash loading the Bank Times with your pleas, war cries, prophecies of impending doom was one smart move. The web site was official site for communication & a place where all the employees frequented. The association never had such a forum. You alienated the old behemoth with your smart move. You exploited the crowd mentality & addiction to ‘bytes’. My heart felt appreciation. You’re smart & this smartness might be the reason that overlooked your lack of seniority and catapulted you to the chairman of the nation’s largest banks. This smartness will ensure you end up with a plump posting upon the impending retirement.

The world we live in is not for the people who are good at heart. Rather its for the ones who speak about love, benevolence, ethics, balancing personal & professional life, taking care of your parents & ultimately gifting ambulances and water purifiers. By the way you needn’t mention that gifting ambulances and water purifiers , which you do in the name of Corporate Social Responsiblity helps your accountants to play with balance sheets more favourably.

Now, it has become another great fantasy to declare a working day out of the blue. Holidays are looked on with fear and contempt. Imagine having to serve the esteemed customer while you should’ve been with your family?!! I just love the way you shock your employees by putting the ad in every single newspaper declaring the bank will open on holidays. And for the record you’ve even declared the bank will open till midnight on Easter. The ad addressed to the ‘esteemed customer’ scares the shit out of 50 year old lazy bum who would’ve been looking forward to spend time relaxing at home.

As if to add icing to the cake he scampers around searching for the benefits he’s entitled to get for dragging his lazy ass to the office on a holiday. One day I bet you are going to surprise one and all by removing the perks and I hope i live long enough to see it.

I donot understand who are you trying to serve by the ‘extended working hours’. I don’t see the Indian masses rejoicing seeing your notification in the paper. Nor do they bother to bank just because its a holiday. Sir, I guess men live by bread and water alone. They donot eat cash.

May be you’re in the process of conducting a great sociological experiment by churning out a mass of obedient employees who are unable to respond. Who am I to question your vision!

All the very best to you Sir

Hangman

I’m on the train making my weekly sojourn home. After 5 ½ days of intense boredom& loneliness, the 1 ½ day with friends and family is a sort of redemption. Usually the train would have been crowded. But strangely that day was an exception and I sat peacefully reading & dozing off. The guy sitting opposite to me fishes out the evening paper. I glance at the front page & am stunned-

‘Afzal Guru Hanged’

 GoI is on a come back mode. After hanging on to the ropes for past few years, they are coming out with all guns. The offensive is so much so that even the opposition are forced to applaud the ‘achievements’. One such achievement was hanging the ‘deadly terrorist’ Kasab in secret. The whole of India rose up to celebrate the vengeance. And we pretended not to have seen that mo one wanted the deadly terrorist- neither the evil government on the other side nor any evil organizations not even his family members. The poor guy was celebrated only in India.

Now the GoI realized that hanging in secret and sending a speed post is not a bad idea & they hang the second guy- Afzal Guru. This news should’ve gladdened the collective conscience of the nation. At this rate it wouldn’t be difficult for Rahul to beat his archrival in the next elections.

Despite wavering network connectivity, I managed to login to Twitter. The collective conscience of the nation was on another celebratory mood. Apparently the law, order, peace & justice have triumphed over the evil guy with a long beard. Tactfully the spokepersons of political parties were Muslims, giving the impression that secularism is of the country is still intact.

By evening the liberals shook themselves out of inertia and came into offensive. Predictably it was A.Roy who led the gang with her half concealed rhetoric. The arguments & counter arguments flew back and forth. Soon it became apparent that it was not entirely a black & white picture. The Indian demography hasn’t taken kindly to the hanging.

The next day I was planning to pay a visit to Bheemappalli. Although it housed a shrine of some saint, the place was more known for the trading of pirated DVDs and similar black marketed goods with the blessings of the Masjid council. Sadly the morning newspapers were splashed with a strange news. The police tried to raid the place. The traders tore the search warrant off as the raid didn’t have the ‘permissions’ of Masjid council. I was amused. Going there would be a risk. But still i decided to make the call and see how it would go. To my surprise everything was quite normal. People went about doing their ‘illegal’ business with calm and poise. I went to the tea shop. As usual the guy served me with callous indifference. Soon two hefty guys in long beards came in. The attitude of the tea vendor changed. Love and respects flew back and forth.

I stood back and wondered- globalization, liberalism, religious extremism & exclusivity – we are heading for a dangerous mix.

Growing up

I was slipping slowly into sleep, when my mobile announces an sms and pulls me back fromt he world of peace & tranquillity. I jump up from the bed to grab it not because I was expecting anything important. I’m a vain man who waits for some unknown girl to text a raunchy sms at night. I was half disappointed to see the sms was from my good friend Vattolli? But why at this time of night? If it’s some stupid forward I might as well kill him. May be he’s announcing some big Arsenal victory. Still it was neither of the above.  I was pleasantly surprised to know that he was getting married. Although a whiff of marriage was in air, it was supposed to happen further down the year. He was a happy go lucky guy who went soft on responsibilities. Seeing him as a married man down the years would be very strange.

The second invitation didn’t take much long to come. This time it was the freak guy of the batch- manga loving , unkempt , crazy behind wheels. But he was very sweet spoken & loved by all. Now he announces his marriage & I’m all the more surprised. We wouldn’t have imagined Kalaam spending a lifetime with a girl. I still remember those days when he fought some online game late into night and caught a nap every two hours. His antics were a source of evergreen jokes among us. When most of us wound up our Engineering course, he was left with quite a few papers to scrape through. He fooled around with some computer courses got into an IT firm. From then it didn’t take much for him to rise through & earn a good wife.

I started to make plans. Kalaam is going to be the first one among the two. It was Jan25th- The day prior to the republic day. Excuses for a leave is expertly tailored up & here I’m with my friends again. Kalaam is in the traditional attire spotting a pencil thin moustache. I wonder where he got that idea from. As he’s busy getting married we guys hang around making phaltu jokes and gaping at the sleeveless beauties. We wonder on how to spend the evening & Antony comes up with a great idea- Celebrate Vattoli’s bachelors’ party (ala get drunk).

The problem with hitting a pub in hometown is you’ll have to return home sober, early & in one piece. Besides you may have to steadily avoid running into any guy known to your father. But the of caution slowly dissipates along with your first peg. There are lots of laughter and phaltu jokes. But slowly the the decibel levels of laughter goes down and you start bitching about your life, your boss, your girlfriends and your friends. I probably slip into some far off no-man’s land. The three of us decided to shoulder the heavy burden of advising Vattolli about life. The talks got humorously serious. I decided to spend the night out with these guys knowing very well that Dad would go hysterical. I have to somehow hold the fort at home tomorrow. But the head is too bored to think about holding forts now.

Downing our fourth peg we get up, satisfied that we saw to it that our friend started his journey on the right path. All the advices got rewinded and repeated in the car and we didn’t happen to see the policeman waving at us. With amazing athleticism for a mid aged cop he snatch the car keys and roars at us. Soon we find ourselves in police station for drunked driving. Within those few minutes, I found out to my amazement that all what we drank simply dissipated off. I stood there silent for the most of the time as my friends eased us out off the mess and took us home.

But that night I made peace with myself. I no longer wanted my bachelorhood to be a liability. I realized I’m growing old and soon the mid life would loom. I’m hating getting drunk & bitching the whole world off. It’s time you find some girl for yourself..... even knowing very well that you may not like the choice down the road.

(the story hasn’t ended yet.....)

#DelhiGangRape Part2

The good part about the social networking via internet is , people have a forum to come together and ‘talk’ as soon as a rape happens. The ideas can be creative or destructive to the point of being silly. Sadly the notion that technology can be the greatest social leveller has been proved wrong. Either you’ll have to move in the ‘popular people’ camp or you will have to be heard for the wrong reasons. The ‘different’ voices fail to be noticed.

When we say the ‘rapists’ have to be taught a lesson through the lumbering giant of Indian  criminal laws, then we may have to tread the much uncomfortable waters of defining the act of ‘rape’. Now it may not be as easy as what we see in the films- the middle aged balding guy pouncing on the young girl braving her kicks and bites. It can be forced or voluntary; painful or pleasurable; hetero or homo. Thus the definition of rape might spill into a much wider spectrum. Hence we might not be able to generalize the punishment too.

Unlike murder or robbery, rape is not needed for the sustenance of life. Rape is also not done for any material benefit nor it’s done for any ideological purpose. I believe we can safely say that it’s a very unnatural & deviant act and has to be treated that way. The belief that strict laws can deter a rapist is very childish conclusion of a snobbish community. Laws only act as deterrence to the minimum level. Laws aren’t for moral science lessons. Moral science has to come from somewhere else.

Same is the case when we raise hue and cry over hanging the juvenile. I ask a question in return if you mind jailing a kid for stealing a piece of rubber. When we say law has to be same for all, first try to picture how would it sound when it’s your family at the other end. Law isn’t solution for everything and it can turn a monster when you build a behemoth out of it.

The law should be to punish someone who hinders the positive growth and sustenance of the society by his own free will. But how free are we in making our choices? We are too influenced by the elements around us and most often regret the decisions we make. When I take a page out of the college life, there were a bunch of kids who fought each other for some political ideology. Many skulls were smashed and much blood was shed. But today I wonder, given a choice if they will make those choices again.

Meanwhile someone raked up another issue on the parallel lines. This time it was about  an old ruling by the social crusader Justice Katju. In the case a village woman was raped by an influential guy in the village. He was punished and jailed. Later the woman withdrew her complaint. The reason being the rapist offered to settle the issue in lieu of some money. She told the court, ‘ I’m in need of money’. The rapist was let out. Now who’s the bad guy in the story- The rapist? the woman? Or is it our justice system?

Some decades ago our society was very protective of its women. But today they have to work like men, sit late at office, use the same facilities and compete on the same lines. As a society we have become more competitive and aggressive. The aggression has spilt into every walk of life and even to our sexuality. Today we dress ‘comfortably’ in lieu of attracting the people around you . Earlier when the kids were supposed to dress angelic, they are no longer so. The ‘comfortable’ outfit starts quite early in life. I doubt if the ‘comfort’ isn’t good enough to raise a primal aggression.

So here we have a whole load of people pushed daily to the fringes unable to reach out to the benchmarks they set in life. They don’t have race, creed, class or caste. They may be educated or otherwise. Rape happens when these people reach out to what is been denied to them- sexually, financially or socially.